Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
