Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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