I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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