She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
