apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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