hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
