This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
