Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
