He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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