you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Well I just put wine in my tea
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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