Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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