Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
