Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
