im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
