OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
