I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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