Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
