well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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