So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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