i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
