Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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