"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize
