How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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