I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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