the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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