i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
