Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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