3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
