ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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