You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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