I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
