Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
