so that wasnt chicken after all
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
