I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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