This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
