barbara walters just said penis...
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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