While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
