I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I didn't notice because vodka
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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