can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
