no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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