I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
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Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
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You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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