either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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