we're chasing vodka with high fives
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
