Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
