It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
