Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
