Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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