I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
