is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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