I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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