then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
