I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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