I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
