ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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