so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
No I am not eating basil off your cock
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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