My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
