Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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