dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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