I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
