I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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