Tell her she can't have a vagina
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
