Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
